Day One Fun

It's 8:30 pm, and I survived day one of the Whole30 Challenge.  Actually, it wasn't that bad since I've been trying to eat well and successfully lost 20 pounds over the summer.  However, I'm coming off a vacation week with the family (imagine banana pudding, key lime pie, tomato sandwiches, pizza, pasta, ice cream cake, ice cream cake, yummy, yummy ice cream cake). I'm also in the middle of a pity party about losing Craig and am trying not to comfort myself with all the foods I would want to comfort myself with. 

Before vacation I had been doing ok on the healthy eating front at home for a few days at a stretch.  However, I have been having one day or two days where I do something stupid, like eating a burger and fries.  Now I have to go a Whole30 with no stupid.  Period.

I had a small meltdown in the afternoon. I was tired and sad about Craig and felt hungry.  I sucked it up, though, and stayed on plan.  I skillet fried chicken breasts (a bunch of them) and steamed a whole big bag of broccoli.  That's dinner for a couple of nights. 

Only 29 days to go.  By the way...I was reading the ingredients on my dried garlic this morning and was a bit discouraged that it isn't Whole30 compliant because it has some soybean oil in it, and I started feeling like NOTHING was compliant.  Oh, the pre-crushed fresh garlic...not compliant either because it has whey.  NO WHEY! So, I determined that I need a grocery store visit for herbs and spices and garlic so my taste buds don't shrivel up and die. 

What's More Fun Than Home Ownership? A Barrel of Monkeys AND Healthy Eating of Course

This blog has previously focused on owning a home and all the stuff that breaks and drives me nuts.  While that hell on earth is such a pleasure to experience and write about, I thought I should broaden my horizons with more adventure, more excitement, and more interesting and joyful things.  I decided to write about a 30 day eating program on my blog as well. 

I am embarking on a Whole 30 challenge. What's that, you ask? Well, it's 30 days of eating fruits, vegetables, and meats, and technically the folks that developed it don't call it a diet.  They call it a lifestyle change or some other euphemism for the self-imposed era of suffering and sorrow...uhm, I mean chosen path to food freedom and enlightenment. 

So on August 5, I start my own journey following "The 30 Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom." Actually, I am excited about the journey as much as I jokingly complain.  You should check out the Whole 30 website.  I was going to start on Monday, August 3, but my dog, Craig, died and that really was awful...more awful than giving up cheese, so I postponed for a couple of days.    

I was talking to my family about this last week while on vacation at the lake.  Everyone was interested in the parameters of the program.  "What do you mean no cheese or other dairy, peanuts, soy, artificial sweeteners, sugar, grains, or legumes?" What I mean is none of those things, and also no butter.  Just in case you thought that all happiness was gone, I bring up the exclusion of butter and THEN you know that joy died.  How could I have done that and still be in shock from losing my Craig? Now that I'm just bone-crushingly sad, it seems like the right time to shock myself with a restricted food plan. 

So, I will be focusing on the basics.  Meats, vegetables, fruits, and healthy fats for 30 days.  I will also not be getting on a scale (see...NOT a diet).  I will be writing about it here because some of my family said to keep them updated.  Actually, some said to keep them updated on "my 3 day diet".  Oh ye of little faith!  This seemed like the easiest way to keep them updated, and now I'm keeping you updated, whoever "you" may be. There we have it...if "it" doesn't mean dairy, legumes, grains, sugar, and sweeteners  because we definitely won't be having THOSE things.  Enjoy. 

 

I'm Plumb Outta Ideas

Would you be shocked if I told you I had some plumbing problems recently?  You would?  HAVE YOU EVER READ THIS STUPID BLOG? If I'm not fixing plumbing, I'm killing plants or complaining about the roof leak.

My first bout of a plumbing flareup happened a couple of months ago.  My toilet started leaking! PANIC!!! POOH EVERYWHERE!!!  Oh wait...the leak was coming from the tank, not the bowl.  Phew. Ok, not pooh everywhere, just some inconvenient water drips each time I flushed from the clean water in the tank.  Thank goodness for backup bathroom a la the guest wing.  The kind folks at the home warranty sanctioned plumbers came to town, brought me a brand new toilet for a slightly upgraded price, and tada! I have a throne that only my bum has christened. 

Next plumbing issue: the mini sink in the kitchen.  Why do I have two sinks in my kitchen? There's a regular sized one and a little mini one situated right beside the stove.  I guess some people use it to fill up pots or do things while they are cooking that benefit from the proximity of a mini sink.  Me? I don't cook.  I don't need a mini sink.  It has become the sink I use to fill the dogs' water bowls simply because it's 5 steps closer than the regular sink.  So I now have a human sink and a dog water sink.  Oh lala. 

Mini sink started dripping a few weeks ago.  I turned the knob harder, and it stopped.  Then, the leak started again. I turned the knob even harder, and it slowed slightly but still dripped. Being the busy executive that I am (hahaha), I didn't have time to put in the home warranty repair request right away, so the leak got faster and faster until one day I woke up to a solid stream of water coming out of the faucet.  Uh oh. What have I done? If I lived in California, I would have gone to prison for the rest of my life for going over my water allotment.  It was time to get serious about getting a plumber, and I was also going to shut that whole sink off at the valve underneath....or so I thought.  Like a fool.  A stupid, stupid fool.

The shut-off valve under a sink is a pretty great idea if you ask me.  You want to stop the flow of water past that point, you turn off the valve.  Voila! There's one for hot water and one for cold water.  When I went to turn off my valve, water started spraying everywhere....ssspprraaayyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaa. How unusual.  The shut off valve wasn't shutting off, it was opening up a torrential flow of water that poured into my kitchen.  I opened the valve back up to stop the spray, and the water went back to running in a thin trickle out of the faucet.  I was stuck with the leak that was eroding wetlands and draining rivers, streams, and lakes of precious resources.

The next day the plumbers arrived and discovered the part needed to fix the sink wasn't one of the standard parts that they had conveniently packed in the truck. Nope.  It was an unusual part that can only be obtained from a mining operation run on the planet Mars.  After a quick trip (an hour round-trip from my house) to both Ace and Home Depot, a repair kit was secured in lieu of having the fully new piece.

And the shut-off valve?  The plumber said that I stopped turning too soon.  "Why, what do you mean, sir? I stopped turning when water started pouring out of the valve."  Evidently, shut-off valves are now designed to be like some sort of physical challenge where you have to reach what you think is the breaking point and then PUSH THROUGH to victory.

Have you hit mile 50 on your ultra-marathon and think you won't make it to the finish line at mile 75?  Keep going past the pain and the panic.  That's how you have to approach my shut-off valve.  Now I know.

On the bright side, I have a guy coming to deal with the roof leak next week and to fix some drywall that fell victim to said roof leak and to patch the drywall hole I cut in the wall when I rescued the baby kittens a few years ago.  So that's all positive and stuff, right?  The best news is that monsoon season has arrived, so it's supposed to rain every single day between now and the day the roof folks come.  I love home ownership. 

 

What's that, you say? Where Have I Been?

Oh my gawd, ya'll! I have a blawg! *blush*  So, yeah.  I took two years off.  What are  you gonna do about it? Sue me?  I can say I was doing hard time for assault and battery, I took time off to dabble in Scientology, or I was so overwhelmed with my home business of knitting pen holders that it has taken me two years to catch up and hire a team of knitters to help build my empire, but that would all be false.  Falsey false false.  I have just been a procrastinating laze bag of procrastination and laziness. 

I was reading my last post from March 2013 and had to laugh.  It talked about the desire to buy plants and make the yard pretty and do all kinds of projects to have an amazing garden of joy and delight.  I was JUST doing this over the weekend.  "Ohhhhh.  I do so love some flowers.  Allison, let's buy flowers," I told myself.  "I SWEAR I'll be better this year.  I DOUBLE SWEAR I will water the plants and love them and tend to them like they were the baby Jesus come to take us all to heaven." 

The reason I didn't post on my blog in March 2014 was because I was doing all those things!  I planted 18 roses, other assorted flowers, some decorative grasses, and a hibiscus.  Oh man, the hibiscus was a beauty!  I was Allison Green Thumb.  I officially turned over a new leaf.  I was singing and the birds were chirping happily around my head and landing on my shoulders in song and shit.  La la la....tra la la la la. 

The reason I didn't post in September of 2014 was because I was busy pulling out all the plants I had killed since March. How many years do I have to do this to myself?  I could have retired and purchased an island in the Caribbean for what I've spent on plants that ultimately die once they cross my property boundary. 

In other news, my roof leaks.  So yeah....that's cool.  Owning a house is awesome, and by awesome I mean it sucks all the joy out of living.  This year I'm spending plant money on roof repair and drywall fixins.  Maybe that's how the universe is trying to intervene to save all the helpless little plants I would have killed this year.   

Spring is Almost Here

The weather started to turn today, and this week is going to be in the 80's.  In my mind, that means spring is on the way.  I also know it's almost spring because I have this desire to buy a bunch of plants and turn my yard into a flowering wonderland of joy and beauty.  Roses, blooming things, trees, bushes, you name it, I want to plant it.  I want a greenhouse and climbing vines over a lovely archway and beautiful pots scattered around the yard with the most amazing plants spilling over the sides.  I want lush beds of plants with nice flowers that last all summer.  I want waterfalls and ponds and lilies and shade and hammocks.  I want raised beds with tomatoes and half-runner green beans and peppers. 

The only problem with all of that is I kill plants.  Dead.  I am the human version of agent orange.  I achieve the same results of dead plants whether I try hard to keep them alive or simply buy them and leave them in the hot sun with no water.  It doesn't matter.  I killed lavender in one week...sweet peas...9 days.  I am either going to kill something with kindness or kill it with neglect.  The sooner I learn to embrace this about myself, the sooner I will stop wasting money on plants that will be dead within the week. 

The other telltale sign of spring: I want to clean the house and paint and do all kinds of spring-like projects like tear my kitchen apart.  OK....I may be willing to admit that I want the inside of the house painted, but I don't really want to be the one to paint it.  As for cleaning...well, I guess I could do that sometime soon....maybe next month?  And yes, I always want to tear my kitchen apart, but the desire is especially strong in the spring.  I imagine cool afternoons with all the windows and doors open as I spend time transforming my kitchen into something light and airy and happy.  There would be a touch of blue, maybe a little splash of red, some other colors that are light and clean.  I must resist this desire, however, because I will tear the kitchen apart, then summer will arrive and I won't have any desire to do anything in that kitchen to put it back together. 

The problem is compounded because I was stuck at home today, sick and achy and miserable.  I had lots of time to look around the house and the yard and had this irrational feeling that transforming my yard and house would make me feel better.  What is really going to make me feel better: not being sick, winning the lottery, and hearing that Lawry's decided to start making their meatloaf mix again.  Those things would make me profoundly happy and are much more in the realm of possibility than the irrational dream that I will be able to plant and maintain a dream garden while accelerating the pace on fixing up my house.  Sigh...double sigh.  I must be getting feverish from this illness.  Time for bed. 

Time Flies when You Are Doing Nothing

I revisited my blog for the first time in over a year.  I could tell you the exact amount of time it has been, but actually calculating that out would make me feel like even more of a loser than typing "over a year," so I won't bother with the math.  Besides, math isn't my strongest subject.  Procrastinating is my strongest subject, which leads me to my latest laundry list of home updates.

The pool.  Remember the pool?  Well, I'm going to need for you to forget about the pool.  The pool is dead to me, just as it should be to you.  Here's the thing about a pool....they are a pain in the ass.  You heard me.  Yes, this is the same girl that loves swimming more than most things on the planet.  Having your own pool is a drag.  After catching mating frogs, skimming dead mice, and being constantly on the lookout for snakes that decided to backstroke on a warm summer day, I made the decision to get rid of the pool.  I'm no slave to a body of water that I use once a year!  I won't do it, I tell you.  I WON'T do it.  (sobs and teeth gnashing)

I would invite you over to see the process, but honestly, it's not pretty.  The guys started work this week by tearing down the little pool shed that hid the pump and filter, busting up a stupid curb that the former owners put in for no apparent reason, and also tearing down the fake well.  "Why get rid of the fake well?" you might ask.  Because it was dumb and fake and falling apart.  That's why.  It was harshing my mellow, jamming up my backyard flow, and creeping me out with the number of dead lizards that met an early grave by falling in the fake well and being unable to climb back out.

Needless to say, my backyard currently looks like a bombed out city on the edge of a refugee camp of sorrow and despair.  They jack hammered a hole in the bottom of the pool for drainage, and threw the debris from the well and the shed into the pool.  Not only can you see the gaping hole, but you can also see about a foot worth of rubble.  Yes....my yard has rubble...in the pool, beside the pool, near the pool.  Rubble for as far as the eye can see.  I know you're jealous.  You have every right to be because I have RUBBLE and well, you probably don't.

Fortunately, the pool killers will be coming back later this week and filling in the rest of the pool with dirt.  Dirt is prettier than rubble.  They will also grade part of the yard, fix part of a fence, and haul all the debris away that isn't appropriate for pool filling.  I am also taking part of the area that was pool and making a small cement pond with a waterfall.  That's right, I am completely changing my landscaping and adding a pond because my dogs will like a pond.  Don't you dare laugh, or all three dogs will drive to your house and drop off a load of rubble.

We might have rubble, but we also have central air and heat.  By far the coolest thing I have done at the house (literally) in the past year is to put in a heat pump.  Central air and heat, I can't quit you.  No more piecemeal cooling apparatuses (and that should totally be apparati in my world of English grammar).  A heat pump makes Allison a very happy camper.  I recommend heating and cooling for all of you.  Seriously. 

Which leads me to the next project....flooring.  Remember when I ripped out all the carpet in my bedroom after the great flood of 2011? And then remember how I moved my bed into the living room for a short while thinking I would slap a new floor down in a jiffy, then said to heck with it and moved the bed back to the concrete slab in my bedroom?  Well, you will be happy to know that I still haven't put down new flooring in the bedroom.  Not only have I not put down new flooring in the bedroom, but I also ripped out carpet and busted up tile in the "guest" portion of the house.  Yeah....I guess the "flooring update" wasn't really an update after all since most would assume that a "flooring update" meant I actually had a professional come and put some kind of floor down.  Really, the slab ain't half bad.  It's easy to clean, for those people that believe in cleaning, and it's free to keep living on the slab.  I like free.

In other news, I think I am just about in the mood to paint the inside of my house. The only things holding me back are: time, the fact that I hate painting, the fact that I don't know how to decorate so I will probably pick insane paint colors, the last remaining shreds of wallpaper borders in the dining room that I don't want to take down because removing wallpaper is like rolling around on broken glass soaked in lemon juice, and the fact that there are some annoying tiles on the kitchen walls that I will want to remove and replace before repainting the kitchen.

Honestly, I can't remove tiles from the kitchen back splash at this juncture because that could end up being another thing I demolish here without any real plans to replace them.  Let's face it, people.  I am Allison the Destroyer, not Allison the DIY Home Makeover Maven.  Maybe 2 or 3 or 5 years from now I will be writing on this blog about how I have almost torn down the entire house and the dogs and I are living in a tent on the concrete slab with central air from our heat pump.  It will be like the show "Hoarders: Buried Alive" only in reverse.  I NEED AN INTERVENTION! Or to win the lottery, affording me the budget to hire lots of minions to do all the things around here that I could do myself if I weren't so busy procrastinating.  Not that I don't like you all, but honestly, I would rather win the lottery than to show up one evening with all of my friends sitting in the living room saying "Allison, we are all here because we love you."

That was all a rather long way of saying I haven't painted inside the house yet because I don't want to have an intervention.

So, those are my general homeowner updates.  My list of things to do is still insanely long.  If you bought a 12 pack of double roll Charmin, unrolled all the rolls and taped them together into one ginormously long piece of paper, you might have enough room to write my entire to-do list, especially if you write small.   Anyone out there like to paint?  Feel free to come over and spend some time at the house. 

Wild Kingdom from Hell

While some things do not survive here, like trees that I manage to kill, other things thrive, like wild animals.  The latest addition to my house: a hive of bees.  Buzz buzz. 

I noticed a a handful of bees flying around outside a few days ago, but they went away.  I figured they found my porch a bad location for their condo community.  Then I found 50 dead bees in my bathroom yesterday, and a few more in the bedroom today.  OH MY GOD! The BEES are IN the HOUSE!!!  Once I found the massive die off, I knew it was time to call a professional, as in I am not buying some cans of raid and hunting down this hive myself. No way, no how, hell no, etc..., etc..., etc... 

Sound the trumpets, roll out the red carpet, greet the king of extermination as he arrives on his trusty steed to slay the dragon...or the bees.  I gave him a quick reenactment of the past few days, including the screams and fake fainting as I demonstrated where I found the dead bees.  He checked all around and found a few places he will seal up for future bee prevention, but we didn't find any sign of a hive in the walls. 

We did a quick check around part of the outside and discovered a bat (yikes!), a few places where we will do rodent abatement, and not much else.  Honestly, the bat became my main concern given that bats are terrifying.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, they eat insects.  Great.  Unless they are going to take out thousands of bees like they are chowing down at the great insect buffet, I'm not interested in having a bat, even if he is only here for a little while before he moves to warmer weather. 

Sir Exterminator, the knight of insect destruction, sprayed along the doors and baseboards inside so I could get rid of some of the more benign critters like centipedes, scorpions, and spiders (yes, I did just call all of those horrible things benign...compared to a hive of africanized bees that have dreams at night of killing all happiness in the world, then scorpions become cute, cuddly family pets).  We arranged for him to come back tomorrow when he has more time so he could spray and seal up spots outside.  Great...napalm the insects.  I'm good with that.  While you are at it, pack up that bat and take it home with you, dude. 

No sooner had he left the house than I noticed some bees strangely flying outside of a window in my bathroom. They weren't there 10 minutes before when the exterminator was here.  Sneaky bees.  I leaned closer to the glass and looked to the left to find a HUGE HIVE OF BEES LIVING ON MY FREAKING HOUSE !  (cue blood curdling scream). 

I called him back and warned him about the hive.  What an unlucky surprise that would have been for him walking around outside.... "la la la.  I'm walking around outside.  la la la  AAAAAAAA.  I'm covered in bees!"  He said he would attack the problem tomorrow.  I hope the problem doesn't attack back. 

In the meantime, I've been warned that by the morning, my house should look something like an insect slaughterhouse.  It seems that all those benign things like scorpions and centipedes will come out tonight, walk across the spray areas, and die.  Great.  It will only remind me that horrible things creep and crawl around my house while I sleep.  WHILE I SLEEP!!!!  Do you understand the creep out ramifications of that?  I could die. 

Even though it has only been a few hours, I have found two spiders...one huge unknown spider and one tarantula.  Of course they were both on the counter tops.  They must have sensed the spray and moved to higher ground.  Only at my house would the spiders outsmart the insect spray.  You know what else is located higher than the insect spray along the baseboards? My bed.  That's what. 

I am itchy and feel like I'm covered in bees and tarantulas and scorpions and bats.  What a crazy day.