Day 21 of the Whole30. Reading, Reflecting, and Thinking about Donuts.

I have had a real bitch of a time these last couple of days.  I sweartogod if Taz hadn't been in the car with me coming back from Green Valley, I would have burned rubber turning into the Safeway parking lot to run in and buy all the donuts.  Every. Last. One. From about 2:30 until about 4:00, I was really feeling low energy and crying for sweets.

I went out for lunch today with my friends in Green Valley, and I had fruit as the side with my meal.  I know, I know.  I said I would cut back on the fruit. However, there weren't that many compliant options, so fruit it was.  That might have been my trigger.  Grapes and watermelon in the fruit plate...pure, unadulterated sugary fruit.  Tomorrow is a new day.

I had tacos for dinner in a romaine lettuce "taco shell."  I added some potato to the ground beef which gave it an extra texture that made me feel like I was having real tacos.  I also had some guacamole, onion, and olives.  It was DELICIOUS.

I have also started reading a book, "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls."  Seems it pertains to me since, you know, I'm not skinny.  It is by Jes Baker, a blogger from Tucson who writes about body-positive world-views, changing perception about weight, and mental wellness.  You can check her blog out here.

I'm just getting started, so I'll keep you posted.  It has me thinking, thought, about all the things in my life that have revolved around my body and not liking it.  There was an interesting statistic she pointed out early in the book. 91 percent of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting.  5 percent of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed in American media.  So 95 percent of us will NEVER look like the idealized 5 percent in the media and advertising. 

So here we are, all of us chasing this ideal that is not representative of almost all of us! We cry and moan and gnash our teeth to be something that isn't what we are and that we will never be.  It's pretty crazy.

This Whole30/60 journey came up partly because I want to feel better.  As I had mentioned, I was having stomach problems and feeling generally crummy physically and emotionally, so I started changing how I eat.  Our guts are integral to our mental and physical well being.  The gut actually acts as its own, independent brain, and it has a nerve super-highway right to the brain. If something is wrong in the gut, the brain hears about it pretty damn fast.  If it's chronic, your brain is assaulted with the message that things aren't fine on your gut ship lollypop, thankyouverymuch.

But let's not fool ourselves here.  The other reason I started this Whole30 business is I am chasing the illusive 5 percent perfection.  I know, I know.  I'll never be confused for a starved model flouncing down the runway in saying, "I'm so stuffed.  I had celery for lunch and couldn't eat another bite" but even knowing that, I've been conditioned to at least want to be in the same time zone as the 5 percent women.  I don't have to live on their block, but I want to at least know where their neighborhood is, to shop in their clothing stores, enjoy the same sort of ease they have walking down the street and not being judged as Fatty McFatty, the fat girl from Fatville.  I want to move out of Fatville and at least live in the suburbs of Acceptably Curvy City, which is right next to Thin Town.

So there's the feeling that I want to be kind to my body and eat well to feel better.  There's also the feeling that I hate my body the way it is, and I'm stuck in the loop of wanting to be thin.  

So how do I square all the wanting to be healthy for healthy sake with that ingrained desire to be thin because I've been told ALL my life that thin is where it's at?  How do I strive to love my body enough to treat it well with good food and exercise while also loving my body enough to have better body acceptance even though I'll never be your thin friend?  How do I hang onto those moments where I feel strong and beautiful and proud of what my body can accomplish instead of sliding back into the cycle of hating my pudgy arms and jiggly thighs and squishy gut?

I'll let you know what I discover by reading the book.