Airport Shenanigans, Whole 30 Beyond the Whole 30, and Welcome to Chicago

Ok.  We will get the Whole30 discussion out of the way first.  My first Whole 30 went well for the most part, even though I didn't lose weight.  I still felt better and noticed benefits to my health that go beyond weight loss.  And truthfully, it was probably closer to a successful Whole28.  F-ing donuts.

Now I'm 12 days into my second Whole 30.  I have probably been 80 percent complaint.  I traveled two days to PHX, and now I'm in Chicago for four days.  Sigh...travel is a real challenge for me still.  I also still haven't given up all fruit. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP MY FRUIT! And that's a clear sign that I need to give it up.  "My precious....don't make me give up my precious!" I'm not quite as bad as Smeagul from Lord of the Rings, but I'm close.

I arrived in Chicago today for a work gig.  It will be busy and annoyingly hard to eat well when I'm in meetings and on the go.  Tonight I went and bought some apples, I packed some compliant bars and almond butter, and I also have a baggy of pumpkin seeds.  That should help in a pinch, but my meals are probably not going to be perfect. Lunch today was a sandwich.  Not great.  Dinner was salmon and green beans...better.  Of course those fig newtons I had for dessert didn't do me any favors.

My goal for this trip is to make more better decisions than bad and try to have two compliant meals a day.  We will see how it goes.

I am still avoiding legumes and dairy, for the record.  There might have been a bit of butter on the green beans tonight, but not a ton.  There was probably some added sugar in the marinade for the fish, I had a sandwich and fig newtons.... Still, I am avoiding legumes and dairy minus the very rare instances of butter in things.  I might eat the occasional sandwich or fig newton, but I gotta draw the line somewhere!

And this leads me to airport shenanigans.  It was so odd that I have to share.  I had to leave for Chicago on a 5:30 am flight.  That means I had to get up at 2:00 am, get ready, feed and take Taz out, feed cats, etc.... and still leave the house by 3:30 am to get to Tucson by 4:30 am.  When it's that early, my body isn't quite all the way awake, you know?  I'm functioning, but certain functions aren't quite all systems go.

After an hour drive, when I arrive at the airport around the time I would normally be waking up, my guts decided to wake up and greet the day too.  Yep.  I had to go to the bathroom, and I was on a mission.  Thank goodness I was parking at the airport when my guts decided it was time to go, but for the record, I guess I DID have a suitcase full of clean clothes in case there had been a major catastrophe (like my last bathroom story that involved me walking in the middle of nowhere along the train tracks.  I digress.) 

If you aren't familiar with the Tucson airport, there is the perfect bathroom for a 4:30 am bowel movement.  It's downstairs, right where you enter the airport, nestled in the back wall of the baggage claim area.  There aren't ANY people in the baggage claim area at 4:30 am.  It would just be me, some privacy, and a morning constitutional.

I'm walking pretty fast from the car into the airport, because there really is no time to dawdle.  Plus, there is this weird psychological phenomenon that dictates that the closer you get to the bathroom, the more you really gotta go to the bathroom. Walk, walk, walk, walk...focus, focus, focus, focus.

I walked into the bathroom to see three people at the sinks.  WHAT?! How dare they be in my public airport bathroom! Oh well, there was no time to change course now.  I initially thought they were in the process of clearing out anyway.  I mean, come on! They were at the sinks! Wash up and get out already!

Except this wasn't any normal bathroom stop for this crew.  Two older ladies were traveling with a kid who might have been 10 or 12 years old, and from what I could gather, this little girl was in the middle of a hysterical crying fit.

At first I thought something awful had happened to her.  She's sobbing, and the main woman in charge kept saying, "It's ok.  She's ok.  She's safe and sound," as I'm trying to be as quiet as possible but it's not working out so well.  ppfffftttttt.

Oh my gosh! Something awful happened to this kid, and she's going to remember some woman in the bathroom letting er rip.  Seriously? Is this my life?  pppfffffttttt.  Evidently.  The problem with an almost-empty bathroom is there isn't enough background noise to disguise what you're up to in the stall.  In a busy bathroom there are lots of flushing sounds, sinks running, people talking, etc... and you can almost be disguised. In an almost-empty bathroom, sound carries, and EVERYONE knows it was you.  You either want a super crowded bathroom or one that is completely empty.  I had the worst case scenario.

The main woman keeps saying, "It's ok.  She's safe and sound," in a loud voice.  "You're just stressed, but it's ok.  Safe and sound."  I am so sorry I'm pooting it up while you comfort your granddaughter that probably had to bury her mother or her best friend from school or her other grandmother.  The way she is wailing, something profoundly awful has happened in this family.  My god.  I'm an awful person having a big pooh through their misery and sorrow. 

Then she starts saying that the cab driver will be there soon, and they can get the stuffed item out of the cab that the girl left behind.  I'm stuck in this public bathroom with the crying girl and her weird family because of a stuffed doll left in a cab????!!  All bets were off.   ppppffffffhhhhttttttttt.  ppphhhhfftt pppttttfffpppp.

This weird situation continues for another minute as the woman is still chanting, "It's ok.  Safe and sound.  Safe and sound."  After a few repetitions of this, she starts whispering the same thing.  It's creepy,  "Safe and sound. saaaaffeeeeee and sound."

And my guts give one last final, "pppfffftttttttt...."

The other woman starts saying, "Think calming thoughts.  Calming thoughts" while lady one continues her "Safe and sound" mantra.  These people are killing me!!!!  The kids starts to get her hysterical sobbing under control, and I start thinking, "Can you please leave now so I can exit this stall, wash my hands, and carry on with my day without having to face you weirdos?"

No.  No they couldn't.   No. Such. Luck.  So, I walk out, look at all three of them, wash my hands, and proceed to go and check in for my flight.  Safe and sound.  I'm safe and sound. 

Day 28 and 29 of the Whole30. Getting Ready to Do it Again in June.

Day 28 and 29 were ok.  I went to a cookout yesterday and stuck to the basics.  Hotdog, hamburger, no buns. I brought roasted fingerling potatoes, which were good.  I also had a bunch of watermelon, but since I'm still eating fruit through tomorrow, I didn't sweat it too much.  I did have coleslaw which had mayo that probably wasn't compliant.  If that was the worst of day 28, I'll take it.

Today I did fine.  I had normal breakfast, a post-swim snack of roast beef and potatoes, and hotdogs and zucchini for dinner.  I went to Green Valley with Taz to buy dog food, and on the way home, I got hungry.....hungry for something delicious, which doesn't exist in Green Valley.  I was able to resist the lure of the McDonald's filet-o-fish, which is just about the only fast food item I can stand to eat.  The trick was just to keep driving for home, no detours, no thoughts of stopping. 

I just finished reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.  It's about overcoming Resistance.  Early in the book he writes, "Most of us have two lives.  The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance."

Resistance manifests itself in a myriad of ways and is the fear that blocks you from being your true self.  The book is fantastic and applies to people's lives in many situations, whether you want to be a writer, an artist, a doctor, a parent, or whether you want to accomplish something like sticking to a goal to lose weight or climbing a mountain.

In addition to talking about the Resistance, the book talks about ways to beat Resistance.  He also talks about the fact that when you take steps to beat Resistance, to live your true life, the Universe conspires to help you fulfill that dream.

It's a quick read, about 2 hours.  Check it out if you're so inclined.  I plan to read it again.

Tomorrow is Day 30 of my first month of Whole30-ing.  I'll just keep going straight through into June.  Yesterday I made a pot roast.  I was expecting it to be all tender and fall-aparty.  Yeah...uhm, that didn't happen.  My friend Michelle tells me my cut of meat was all wrong for fatty bombalatte pull-aparty happiness. So, I have sliced roast beef which is fine but not exactly what I wanted.  I also have some leftover spaghetti sauce and zucchini, polish sausages, some chicken breasts, and broccoli that will be meals until Thursday.  Then, I leave for a night in Phoenix for a conference.  An overnight away from home while on the Whole30.  My plans for compliance include hamburgers with no bun and salads without cheese and creamy dressings.  I'll pack some pumpkin seeds and some packs of almond butter in case I get in a jam and need a snack. This will be my first foray into Whole 30 and overnight traveling.

Hopefully the brief jaunt to Phoenix prepares me for later in June when I have to go to Chicago for a food show.  You might know Chicago...home of some delicious pizza, Italian food, Greek food, steaks (which will be compliant technically), and all kinds of other foods I won't be eating.

I'm not gonna lie.  Chicago is going to be hard, especially because it includes flying.  Something about flying and airports makes me insanely hungry.  I have to have a meal and a snack and another meal and some plane snacks to go with all the plane snacks I bought and then some more meal action.  It's ridiculous.  When I have a long day of flying somewhere, I feel like all I do is have meals.  So.....any suggestions to deal with that, aside from wiring my mouth shut, are welcome.

On that note, it's time for tooth brushing and bed. 

Day 25, 26, and 27 of the Whole30. We Were Off the Rails and Found the Rails Again

Well, I'm almost finished with the first 30 days of my double Whole30 experiment.  I went off the rails on the 25th in the mid-afternoon.  I was back on track by the next morning, and then had a sandwich for lunch on the 26th.  Yep.  A sandwich.  I was in Tucson, I felt crummy, I was hungry, and I had a chicken salad sandwich with a side salad.  Oh, and a piece of carrot cake for dessert.  Whoops.  I'm still vulnerable to the sugar dragon, which is making me rethink some things for the next 30 days. 

I managed to right the ship again today.  I had to go back to Tucson to have my car service, and I went to the BBQ place next door.  I had some brisket, green beans, and a baked potato for lunch.  There was probably butter on the green beans, but if that's my biggest crime, I'll take it.

Tomorrow I'm going to a cookout, so I'll take some compliant hotdogs to grill.  I'm also going to roast some fingerling potatoes in garlic and olive oil, and I'll take a mini-watermelon.  That way I know there will be things there I can eat.

Tonight I cooked spaghetti sauce using ground turkey.  I used a tomato sauce without sugar called Rao's.  It was good.  I had also used their pizza sauce for the pepperoni egg cups I made.  I ate the sauce over sauteed zucchini, which is my new favorite thing when I want something like spaghetti.  It's really good, actually, and I don't miss the pasta at all.

I am also going to cook some chicken and vegetables this week, and I'll make a pot roast in the crock pot.  My go-to vegetables this week (and most weeks) are zucchini, spinach, and broccoli. I also bought a head of Napa cabbage to make a salad.  I needed something different to mix it up a bit. There is this delicious Napa cabbage salad where you toast crunched up ramen noodles, sesame seeds, and almonds with a stick of butter. You mix that with the cabbage and douse the whole thing with a balsamic vinegar dressing, and it's divine.  I'll be skipping the crunched up ramen and butter concoction and the sweetened balsamic dressing, but it will still be good with a regular balsamic dressing.

That's where I am so far. Why did I have a meltdown on 25 and 26? Emotional eating, stress, not feeling well, being depressed about the fact that things aren't always easy.  The usual reasons.  I am reinforcing myself by continuing to plan my attack for the coming week. I am also going to make a few changes for next month.

Right now I'm eating one or two servings of fruit a day, usually with some kind of nut butter.  Also, if I need a snack, sometimes I'm eating Larabars.  They are compliant, but they contain cashews and dates.  I think the dates and the fruit keep my sugar dragon going strong, leaving me wanting donuts or carrot cake or 700 muffins. I've eliminated all the added sugar foods.  Maybe be dialing back on the foods higher in naturally occurring sugar, that will help.  All we can do it give it a shot.

I'm afraid I have nothing else for today.  No words of wisdom or deep thoughts about this journey.  I'm just tired and trying to maintain some resolve.

Day 23 and 24 at Whole30 Village, and More Purging at the Homestead

Day 23, also known as yesterday, was ok. We had fajitas brought in to work during a meeting, so I was able to eat lunch at work and be on track.  I had the last of taco dinner for several weeks, please for the love of all that is holy! I've officially had too many lettuce leaf tacos.  My friends Robert and Karyn also brought me Honeycrisp apples!  How thoughtful! I sent Robert home with one of the Pink Lady apples I didn't care for.  He said, "Why do you want to send me home with nasty apples?"  I needed someone else to eat one and verify for me that they aren't delicious as far as apples go!!!! So, if you try an apple soon, remember the variety and send a note about what you thought. 

Day 24, that's today in case you were wondering....Today was a different story on the work front pertaining to food.  We had a 6 hour training session, and our lunch option was Italian food, or Eye-talian.  On the menu: Pasta with cream sauce, bread, bread, bread, pasta, pasta, pasta, cream sauce, and a salad.  I have zucchini and asparagus at work, but they are not cooked yet. Those won't work as a vegetable because I wouldn't have time to saute them during the lunch break.  So I packed in the last of the egg cups I made on Sunday and some steamed broccoli. It all heats up in the microwave in a jiffy.

Around 11:45 I was starving.  Where the heck was the restaurant with the catered lunch for 50 people? A quick phone call to see why they were late, and they let us know they had forgotten about the order completely. AAAAAAAAA.  Everyone else had snacks to choose from....candy, granola bars, muffins, and fruit.  I had reached my fruit quota, I had some pumpkin seeds earlier, and I wanted lunch.  I wasn't going to heat up my lunch and eat while 49 other people had to tough it out in the training session, so I put on my big girl pants and waited along with everyone else.  They finally arrived at 1:00 with the food, averting mutiny in the office.

Tonight was either going to be fish or hotdogs.  I opted for hotdogs because I just didn't have the energy to cook fish today.  That will have to be tomorrow's dinner.

I stopped at the mailbox today, and I had a package!!! Oh boy! What could it be??  There is something so exciting about a package! Was it a gift? Did I order something I forgot about? Oh yay, oh yay, oh yay!

Turns out it was an empty box.  It wasn't the most exciting thing I've ever gotten, but it was the empty box from DirectTV so I could send back their receiver.  Sweet cable freedom! You see, I cancelled my cable/satellite/whateveryoucallit FINALLY!  Why was I paying for it for so long when I haven't really watched television in months?  I might have turned on my TV once or twice in the last month.  It was time to cut the cable once and for all.

The next thing I will be donating is my television and DVD player if someone will take it.  This is my 19 inch Zenith tube television that I got from Grandmama just before I moved out here.  It made the journey from Virginia to Tucson to Nogales to Rio Rico.  I have had this television for 17 years.  It has one input/output jack which makes it challenging to hook up devices and cable now.  For the first time in my life, I will be without a television, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

Now if I could just purge the tire that has settled around my gut! Grrrr.  I'm frustrated that my weight continues to stay steady.  Yes, the Whole30 says not to weigh yourself. You're supposed to think of your non-scale victories, like feeling better, sleeping better, having healthier skin and nails, feeling less anxious, blah, blah de blahdeblah.  Those things are all great, but see, I ALSO need to lose pounds.  Real, honest to god pounds.  Seriously.

Actually, that reminds me of something I read once.  You're not supposed to say you want to lose weight.  You mentally look for things you lose. You don't want to find that weight again.  So, you're supposed to say you want to "release weight."  You're letting it go to fly free into the stratosphere.  "Be free, Weight! Fly away! I release you! Don't come back!" and then you close the door, change the locks, and dig a moat around your house so the weight can't come home again. 

In the book by Marie Kondo, "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up," you are supposed to thank the belongings you get rid of for serving their purpose and then you release them.  Here goes.  "Dear Fat, Thanks for keeping me warm, buoyant, squishy, and better able to survive in a natural disaster by living off my fat stores.  Thank you for making me an extra 38 percent funny because funny was the next best gateway to life when I wouldn't fit through the 'thin and beautiful' gateway. While we have had a long, complicated relationship, I feel it is time we move on now. Safe journeys.  Peace out.  Yes, I am going to put alligators in the moat, so don't think of coming back. Thanks from the skinny person hiding inside of you for all these years."   

We will see how it goes now that I'm watching my fruit intake.  I think my sugar dragon has been better in control with that change.  Instead of being a full grown, man-eating sugar dragon, I have a tiny, baby sugar dragon.

So, that's where I am today.  I have a four day weekend coming up starting on Friday! Woohoo!  So I need to plan a few things to cook to carry me through the weekend and into next week.  Ideas on a good dish to make?  

Day 22. Whole30 Déjà Vu, Tacos Again.

In the words of the great philosopher, Kris Kristofferson, the devil haunts a hungry [wo]man.  I am usually haunted.  An interesting aside about Mr. Kristofferson, he was a Golden Gloves boxer, a Rhodes scholar, a college football player, an acclaimed actor, a military officer, a helicopter pilot, and a Grammy-winner, just to name a few things on his resume. Also, he had a huge mental resurgence recently when he was finally diagnosed with Lyme disease, not the Alzheimer's they were treating him for. 

To keep the devil from haunting me with his box of donuts, I set out to have good meals that wouldn't leave me hungry.  I felt good and didn't want a mid-morning snack.  I was hungry by the time lunch rolled around, though.  I had a steak for lunch that I cooked on the grill at work.  Grills are revolutionary things! Especially gas grills!  You just turn a knob, push a button, and that sucker is fired up.  No lighting charcoal, waiting around, waiting too long, running out of fire, and having to start the process all over again.  It's nice having access to a grill, and while I'm tempted to buy one, I am content for the time being to keep using the one at work.  In addition to the steak, I also took a mountain of spinach and steamed it to end up with three bites of spinach. It constantly amazes me how much spinach shrinks when you cook it. I topped lunch off with a little bit of sweet potato.

For dinner, I had more ground beef that needed to be cooked, so I used half for more taco mix.  The other half is in the freezer.  I think I'll make a spaghetti sauce and eat it over zucchini.  That's for another day, however.  And I've just about reached my taco limit for this week, so I might freeze that in individual servings for another week. 

If you're keeping tabs on all the food and the order I should cycle through it, you are probably panicking that I've barely touched the tuna salad.  I'll have to eat that for breakfast tomorrow and again for dinner to try and use it while it's still in its prime.  Goodness knows no one wants to eat tuna salad past its prime.  I also have fish in the freezer that I need to cook as part of my challenge to "Eat the food in your freezer, why don't you?"

I have no great insights today, no profound analysis about life, and no secret to life.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I love apples. If you remember nothing else, remember that apples are delicious, especially the Honeycrisp apple.  The Pink Lady apple is just so so....a little too fuzzy in the flavor, not bright and crisp like the Honeycrisp.  Don't waste your time with a Red Delicious because they aren't delicious. The Opal is another delicious apple.  It's yellow, but don't let that turn you off.  Trust me on this.  I've been eating an apple a day for a while now.  And for you AZ folks, the Fry's has a better selection of apples right now than Safeway.

Peace out people. 

Day 21 of the Whole30. Reading, Reflecting, and Thinking about Donuts.

I have had a real bitch of a time these last couple of days.  I sweartogod if Taz hadn't been in the car with me coming back from Green Valley, I would have burned rubber turning into the Safeway parking lot to run in and buy all the donuts.  Every. Last. One. From about 2:30 until about 4:00, I was really feeling low energy and crying for sweets.

I went out for lunch today with my friends in Green Valley, and I had fruit as the side with my meal.  I know, I know.  I said I would cut back on the fruit. However, there weren't that many compliant options, so fruit it was.  That might have been my trigger.  Grapes and watermelon in the fruit plate...pure, unadulterated sugary fruit.  Tomorrow is a new day.

I had tacos for dinner in a romaine lettuce "taco shell."  I added some potato to the ground beef which gave it an extra texture that made me feel like I was having real tacos.  I also had some guacamole, onion, and olives.  It was DELICIOUS.

I have also started reading a book, "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls."  Seems it pertains to me since, you know, I'm not skinny.  It is by Jes Baker, a blogger from Tucson who writes about body-positive world-views, changing perception about weight, and mental wellness.  You can check her blog out here.

I'm just getting started, so I'll keep you posted.  It has me thinking, thought, about all the things in my life that have revolved around my body and not liking it.  There was an interesting statistic she pointed out early in the book. 91 percent of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting.  5 percent of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed in American media.  So 95 percent of us will NEVER look like the idealized 5 percent in the media and advertising. 

So here we are, all of us chasing this ideal that is not representative of almost all of us! We cry and moan and gnash our teeth to be something that isn't what we are and that we will never be.  It's pretty crazy.

This Whole30/60 journey came up partly because I want to feel better.  As I had mentioned, I was having stomach problems and feeling generally crummy physically and emotionally, so I started changing how I eat.  Our guts are integral to our mental and physical well being.  The gut actually acts as its own, independent brain, and it has a nerve super-highway right to the brain. If something is wrong in the gut, the brain hears about it pretty damn fast.  If it's chronic, your brain is assaulted with the message that things aren't fine on your gut ship lollypop, thankyouverymuch.

But let's not fool ourselves here.  The other reason I started this Whole30 business is I am chasing the illusive 5 percent perfection.  I know, I know.  I'll never be confused for a starved model flouncing down the runway in saying, "I'm so stuffed.  I had celery for lunch and couldn't eat another bite" but even knowing that, I've been conditioned to at least want to be in the same time zone as the 5 percent women.  I don't have to live on their block, but I want to at least know where their neighborhood is, to shop in their clothing stores, enjoy the same sort of ease they have walking down the street and not being judged as Fatty McFatty, the fat girl from Fatville.  I want to move out of Fatville and at least live in the suburbs of Acceptably Curvy City, which is right next to Thin Town.

So there's the feeling that I want to be kind to my body and eat well to feel better.  There's also the feeling that I hate my body the way it is, and I'm stuck in the loop of wanting to be thin.  

So how do I square all the wanting to be healthy for healthy sake with that ingrained desire to be thin because I've been told ALL my life that thin is where it's at?  How do I strive to love my body enough to treat it well with good food and exercise while also loving my body enough to have better body acceptance even though I'll never be your thin friend?  How do I hang onto those moments where I feel strong and beautiful and proud of what my body can accomplish instead of sliding back into the cycle of hating my pudgy arms and jiggly thighs and squishy gut?

I'll let you know what I discover by reading the book. 

Day 20 of the Whole30. Unprepared to Prep

Today is Day 20.  I figured I would take advantage of a slow Saturday to do some meal prep for the next few days.  I have learned that food that is unprepared is not really food.  It just takes up space in my fridge. For example, broccoli that hasn't been steamed in advance is just a useless blob sitting in my fridge because if it's not ready to go, I'm not going to want to deal with it during the week.  So, I spent about an hour and a half turning items in my fridge into food.

I put some potatoes in the oven to bake.  While that was happening, I did all the rest.

Steamed Broccoli: I cook a lot of broccoli at once so that I have it ready to heat up for meals.  Once it's pre-steamed, it's an easy vegetable to saute in olive oil and goes with most any kind of protein. It's especially handy at breakfast, when I need a fast, easy vegetable to add to the plate.  My other standby for that is spinach because you can saute 500 cubic feet of spinach in about 30 seconds. 

Tuna Salad: I cut up celery and a whole onion (only using part for the tuna salad...the rest I'll use for tacos) I added spices, avocado mayo, some onion, celery, and lemon juice.  All done.

I had to wash the cutting board and items used for getting the tuna salad ready so that I could clear up the sink for the strainer.  That way I could drain the broccoli and run it under cool water for a moment before putting it in a tupperware destined for the fridge. The timing was just right...broccoli finished just as clean-up from tuna salad making finished. 

Now I was ready for a really tedious task.  Washing lettuce.  There are few things in this world worse than washing lettuce.  I don't like to buy the pre-washed, pre-chopped stuff.  I find it's tough.  Who wants tough lettuce?  Not me. If I buy a head of lettuce, whether romaine or green leaf, if I don't pre-wash and dry it, all I've done is buy something to put in my fridge to rot.  I even have one of those salad spinners that makes it easy to dry lettuce leaves after washing them.  I still hate washing lettuce.  That said, I effectively cleaned and dried a head of romaine and a head of green leaf, finishing just before the potatoes hit the one hour mark in the oven.  

I checked the potatoes and added another 20 minutes to their cooking time.  I cleaned up the rest of the kitchen.  Voila.  Food prep for a few meals was complete, including the hamburger I browned last night for tacos.  It always seems like a herculean task to get things staged in advance for meals, especially when I really dislike cooking.  Too bad I don't also dislike eating.  I love to bake, actually.  Go figure.  Cakes, pies, cookies, bread.  It's like some cruel joke.  "Let's make her hate cleaning lettuce but love making complicated desserts. It will be hilarious...hahahaahha"   
  

Already Day 19? Whole30 Ups and Downs

Today is Day 19? Really?  Holy cow! It's Day 19!  I have been doing ok the last few days until today.  I'm eating too much fruit and probably too many pumpkin seeds, but otherwise, I've been sticking to the plan.  I realize I need to find some recipes to make a dish...like food that is mixed together with spices and some kind of sauce maybe.  I've been cooking a protein and a side vegetable and eating that.  I'm getting bored.  I did get lucky today when lunch at a conference in Phoenix worked out, and I had compliant salad and roast beef. Hooray for a conference actually working out meal wise! I was prepared to eat an RX bar and some pumpkin seeds for lunch, but I don't think I would have lasted the day and would have ended up eating a cookie sandwich with cookies on top. 

I had a few rough moments today.  One: pre-drive tea from the Starbucks in the Fry's Grocery.  Go into Fry's for a Starbucks at 6:45 am, and your brain will be assaulted with the smell of freshly baked donuts.  F-ing donuts.  Two: Breakfast at the conference.  I ate hardboiled eggs and an apple on my way to the meeting because I knew going in even remotely hungry would be death.  There were the requisite pastries. Muffins and cinnamon rolls! Be still my heart!  I was already feeling weak from denying myself earlier at the Fry's.  This was almost too much.  Three: There were also cookies with the lunch.  After smelling the breakfast treats all morning and then being hungry for lunch, I almost took the entire plate of cookies and ate them myself, be damned what anyone else at this meeting thought of me devouring all the cookies.  I doubled down on the salad instead.   

The worst part of the day was late this afternoon, however.  On my way home, I stopped at the grocery store for supplies for dinner and breakfast.  If smells could talk.... Even at 4:30 pm, I could smell the baked goods calling my name.  After denying myself all day, I looked longingly towards the donut rack and almost had a meltdown.  "Screw it! I'm just going to have one donut or maybe three, but that will be it. Just donuts for today! Please! What day am I on of this plan anyway? I'm sure it's still so early that I can have a donut and donut's hefty cousin, Mr. Muffin, and just start over tomorrow."  The wheels on the justification train were working overtime.  

That's when I realized it's already Day 19.  You can't have a donut on Day 19.  I've come too far.  Having a donut on Day 19 is like running a marathon and just stopping right when you hit mile 24.  Who does that?  Sure, maybe people who completely bonk and fall down and pass out and can't go on. Those people stop a marathon at mile 24, but I wasn't falling down yet, and I certainly hadn't puked on the side of the road like people in a marathon.  No puking, no donut!  Ok, I might have taken the analogy too far, but you get what I'm saying. 

So, I came home sans donuts.  I cooked pizza egg cups for dinner, and I also browned taco meat for dinners this weekend.  Tomorrow I'll make tuna salad and do the lettuce wraps again for lunch.  I also need to only eat one piece of fruit tomorrow. I will have my apple with breakfast.  No berries, no afternoon cantaloupe gorge-fest, and no nuts or seeds tomorrow.  I think I'm having too many of those as well. 

My weight is holding steady. Yes, I'm weighing myself.  I think that is because of the fruit and nut butters.  So, we will hold off on those things over the weekend and see how it goes.  It might also help reduce my donut cravings. 

And yes, I'm still pissed about the fact that these are the kinds of things I have to think about, and I can't just be the person that goes to a meeting, has the muffin, and doesn't gain 75 pounds. 

Day 15 and 16 of the Whole30. Why I Decided to Do This Again.

Today has started well.  I had my usual breakfast: berries, eggs, bacon.  Day 15 (yesterday) was a good day food-wise.  I had my pizza egg cups for breakfast.  Lunch was this AMAZING seafood soup from Cocina La Ley in Nogales.  It had tender chunks of fish, shrimp, and this really good broth. I added lots of cabbage, onion, cilantro, and lime juice. Yum.  Dinner was sauteed chicken and spinach with 1/4 of a baked potato with olive oil.

Hooray for Seafood Soup!

I must admit I had a mid-afternoon indulgence.  Last week we got a box of cantaloupes from my friend Scott.  I had been letting this one get perfect and juicy.  Well, today was its day. I cut it up and proceeded to eat an entire cantaloupe. Sure, it was smallish, but I ate the whole thing. It was delicious.  I love ripe cantaloupe with just a little sprinkle of sea salt.  I would do it all over again!

I am 1/4 of the way through doing a Whole60 (since I decided to double my Whole30).  I did the Whole30 over a year ago, too, but it has been a while.  I really liked that in the Whole30 I started feeling better. I had more energy, I was swimming faster, and I was sleeping better.  My mood was great.  This low grade sense of anxiety that constantly bugged me went away.  If you know me, you know anxiety is not normal for me.

So, after a tough year where I was stressed out, depressed, anxious, and gaining weight, I decided I needed to do something to get back on track.  In December I actually started a low-carb diet that included me replacing an occasional meal or snack with a low-carb whey protein bar or a protein shake.  There is this one protein shake I LOVE.  It's strawberry, and it tastes just like a strawberry ice cream shake.  Yummooo.  Around the same time, I also had the need to take two rounds of antibiotics for a simple illness.

Then in January, February, and March, I really noticed I was feeling bad.  My stomach was a wreck.  I was having mysterious back pain and abdominal pain.  I was taking tons of fiber to try and resolve the issue, but that wasn't helping.  My joints ached. I felt tired, fuzzy, and absent minded.  I googled my symptoms and came up with a bunch of options of what was happening, and I was freaking out.  I thought I was eat up with some horrible disease.  I was having panic attacks.  It was a bad scene.

I went to my primary care provider and had tons of blood work done.  Was it my thyroid? No.  Rheumatoid arthritis? Not that.  Weird electrolyte levels? Nope.   Mr. Medical Dude had no answers.  I kept searching, and I read a few things online that said sometimes people can have a milk protein intolerance that has some of the symptoms I was experiencing.  Also, the protein bars I was eating were sweetened with sugar alcohol.  So I started thinking maybe it was the whey or the sugar alcohol or the donuts I was still sneaking into my low carb-ish diet, or any number of other food items I had started eating again after the first Whole30.  Maybe it was the after-effects of the antibiotics, too.  Who knows?

The straw that broke the camel's back is something I'll refer to as "the incident along the train tracks."  It was early April, and I was in the midst of feeling bad, eating weirdly, taking fiber, wondering why I had mystery back pain, and generally anxious.  A friend texted and asked if we could load up Taz and talk a nice walk on a Sunday morning.  Taz needed a walk, and there is a really nice dirt road that parallels the train tracks where we walk sometimes.  It's perfect because in the morning it's still shady and cool, and Taz LOVES all the smells.

So here we are on a Sunday morning, walking and chatting and having a nice time of it.  The temperature is perfect, and as we mosey along, Taz enjoys stopping to smell all the different smells.  After a mile and a half, we turn around to walk back to the cars.  Weirdly, I feel this rumbling in my stomach.  "Uh oh," says the early warning system in my head. 

My rational, adult mind says, "Don't be silly.  It's just a minor rumbling. Nothing to worry about here on this nice walk in the middle of nowhere."

A few steps later, my early warning system says again, "Uhm, we might have a problem soon."

"No, no, no, no, no problem. We are fine. There's no problem,"  I tell myself, but I start to walk a bit faster and don't let Taz linger to sniff.  "We will just walk a tad bit faster and be home before there are any issues," I think.

After a few more steps, the rumbling in my stomach returns with increased vigor, and I start to get sweaty despite the cool morning breeze.  Then it's a full-on debate with myself.  "Am I going to make it to the car? Even if I make it to the car, am I going to make it home?  Of course I'll make it, right? I mean, what are my options? I'm a damn adult with the ability to make it.  I CAN MAKE IT! I'm not going to make it.  I'm in the middle of nowhere with a dog and my friend. Do people just drop trow in the middle of nowhere and let er rip? I guess so, right? I mean is that really what I'm down to? OH MY GODDDDDD!!!!!" 

At this point, my friend is still talking about something that I'm sure is very interesting, but I stop and say, "My stomach feels weird."  She looks at me, I fling the leash at her and yell, "Take the dog! Save yourself! I'm going in the bushes!!!" and then I proceed to back my way into the bushes, drop trow, and let her rip.  There are probably snakes and scorpions and javelina and black widows and all kinds of nefarious things in those bushes.  I don't care. 

It was over in seconds, and I immediately felt great...back to normal and ready to walk a mile back to the car.  As I pulled up my pants, I thought, "the railroad company has cameras all along the tracks.  I sure hope they didn't get a weird show this morning."  I also thought, "I have got to figure out what is going on with my stomach." 

So, here I am. Back on the Whole30.  I'm happy to report that I don't take fiber anymore, my stomach feels totally normal, no more weird back pain, and no constant anxiety.  Thanks be to "the incident along the train tracks" because it pushed me even faster to figure this all out.  

And you can laugh all you want about this story.  I've told people, and it's generally hilarious.  Most people can relate in some way or another, and telling my story always leads to someone else saying, "There was one time something similar happened to me," and then we hear another hilarious story.  I will start walking with a pack of tissues in my pocket, though....just in case. 

 

Day 14. Pizza!

I'm starting off the day right with pizza! Well, Pepperoni Pizza Egg Cups.  It's like pizza without the cheese and crust.  These little egg cups are delicious, and you make 12 at once, so you have breakfast or emergency snacks for a few days.  This is actually my first foray into making egg cups. I will need to investigate more egg cup recipes. 

OK.  That's all for now.  Short and sweet without the added sugar.  I still need a quail plan.  I'll investigate further today for cooking them tonight. I also need to do tons of meal prep today.  I'll keep you posted on the quail.  

Whole30 Days 12 and 13. The Feast and Famine of the Freezer

I seem to have recovered from my meltdown from Day 11 unless I ended up totally losing it on Thursday and don't know it.  Maybe I went nuts and bought all the donuts and candies I could find, and now I'm writing to you from a sugar-induced hallucination where things only seem normal in my mind, but I'm really lying on the floor with mini snickers bars and almond joys scattered all around me. Don't come in the door! I might have boobie trapped the place by scattering whoppers all over the floor so you'll trip and fall trying to save me from the jumbo delivery of Krispy Kreme donuts.

Damn.  I just typed Krispy Kreme, and NOW I really want a donut.  That's what happens when you joke about going off the deep end with junk food.  The junk food fights back.  Do Not Taunt Krispy Kreme Donuts! They are coming for you.  

Ok, don't worry.  I know I didn't go off the deep end because I'm having brussel sprouts as part of my breakfast, and I can taste the slightly bitter, crunchy healthfulness.  It's definitely not sweet, fatty, salty, bready, and delicious.  The rest of breakfast includes Whole30 approved bacon, two eggs, and some berries.  That's my standard breakfast. The vegetable might change, and sometimes I have an apple instead, but for the most part, I have the same breakfast every single day.  I'm good with that so far. 

I had bunless hamburgers last night and Thursday night for dinner.  I didn't do the portabello mushroom bun because when I thought about it, the mushrooms turned on me. That happens sometimes.  There can be a food that's perfectly fine, and I don't mind eating it. Then, one day, it turns on me, and I dread the thought of eating it.  The mushrooms turned on me.  I'm hoping I can cook them on Sunday and not hate the thought of it.

I also cooked chicken and shredded it. I'll make part of it into a chicken salad today that will take me through the weekend and to Monday for lunches.  I might use a small part of it for a savory dinner of some sort tonight.

Yesterday I was struggling with what to have for lunch.  There's a local place called City Salads where you go tell people wearing hairnets, gloves, and weird face shields what you want on your salad, and they build it for you.  You would think designing your own salad would result in awesome salads.  It doesn't really work that way there, though. Don't get me wrong.  The food is fine, but somehow you take all these ingredients that would normally make a delicious salad, and the end result is just blah.  Again, the place is fine, and it's definitely helpful on the Whole30 because you can order exactly what you want without having to say "Oh, no cheese, no croutons, no ranch, no corn, no beans, no eye roll because you're sick of me changing your salad."  Still, I wasn't sold on City Salads.

Then it hit me, "Why don't I go shopping in the wonderful food emporium called Allison's Freezer?" I peeked inside and saw all kinds of options. Fish, steak, chicken, quail (how do you even deal with those?), shrimp, hot dogs... What WASN'T in there? Seriously.  I pulled out a ribeye and a bag of brussel sprouts.  I grabbed a potato from the fridge, and voila! Lunch that I could cook at work.

I have this problem eating the foods in my freezer, especially the meat. The ice cream is no problem.  I have that covered, but having to thaw out meat before I cook it is a pain.  It's like I have all this food and nothing to eat!

I don't have a microwave, so there's no defrosting things quickly. (the defrost function on the work microwave is very handy.) When cooking at home, I actually have to plan ahead to thaw something out in the fridge before I want to use it.  I also have to be careful that I don't wait too many days, or I'm convinced the food has spoiled.  It's a delicate balance, so I usually end up not thinking about the freezer as an option for finding protein to cook.

The funny part is I still stick things in there like I'm going to eat them later.  "Oh look! This chicken is on sale.  I'll get two and put one pack in the freezer to sit there for a year until I need to make room for something else to freeze, and then I'll throw it out because it looks nasty and grosses me out." Honestly, I get the heebiejeebies when something starts looking crusty and freezer burned.  Of course I probably also think anything that is frozen looks freezer burned when it is actually just frozen like it's supposed to be because, you know, it's IN the freezer.

Well, the ribeye was DELICIOUS! It was flavorful and juicy and not at all as disgusting as it looked in its frozen form.  That has pushed me to cook more food from my freezer.  Yes.  The quail was just moved from the freezer to the fridge.  I will cook those on Sunday evening after I do some googling on how to cook quail.  The good thing is I'll have back-up chicken salad in case they are gross.

I also have sausages to cook this week.  I just need to stock up on some vegetables, apples, and berries, and I should be all set until Thursday.

Have a great weekend!

Day 9, 10, and 11. Are you Sure It's Not Friday? Seriously?

Well, let's see, where do we begin? Days 9 and 10 were good but really busy.  On Day 9 I had to be in Tucson for meetings in the morning and afternoon, so I had to find lunch out in the world.  Outback Steakhouse turned out to be a good option.  I had a nice grilled chicken with sauteed vegetables plus a side salad.  Day 10 I spent all day on the road to Phoenix for meetings.  I was with a group of people from work, and for lunch I had prime rib, green beans, and a spinach salad.  All in all it was a successful two days of being on the road and having to eat out as wisely as possible. It was a busy two days, though.  I had to work until 10:00 pm one night and until 8:00 the other.  I didn't have a lot of time to stop and think.  Then I turned right around today and had another busy day. 

Today started out ok, but it wasn't all rosy. It was more gray with some streaks of rosy.  I had breakfast at home, and then it was back to Tucson for a meeting from 10 to 2 which was going to include a break for lunch. I didn't plan well enough for this at all.  I just hoped it would all work out.  I actually thought I would leave during the lunch and get something to eat at a restaurant next door where I could have gotten a protein and side salad.  The agenda was running behind, and that didn't leave time for me to run out to get anything.  The catered option was a salad and all kinds of sandwiches.  Sigh.... I failed.  I had the salad and then I took the guts of a couple of sandwiches and ate it with the salad.  The lunch meat wasn't Whole30.  I'm sure of that. It probably had nitrates and added sugar.  I had a Larabar with lunch as well to take the edge of my hunger.

In addition to poor planning and being exhausted from this week, I am at that time of the month where I'm constantly hungry AND my sugar dragon is SCREAMING.  This was not the right day to fail to plan.  On the way home from this meeting, I was STARVING and irrational.  I wanted to eat all the foods between Tucson and Nogales.  I was dreaming of what I would order and eat from any restaurant I could think of.  I wanted to start at one end of a grocery store and snack my way up and down each food aisle.  I was telling cars in front of me to move because it wasn't safe for them to be between me and food.  I broke down today and ate a fish sandwich on my way back to the office.  Yep.  I did, and it had a bun and everything.  The scary thing about breaking down today is I do NOT want to falter again during this Whole60.  I don't want to struggle tomorrow and think, "Ah, screw it.  I'll eat something else bad today and get back on track tomorrow" and then have tomorrow NEVER arrive.  That's the worry.  It's not an irrational fear.  I've been down that road before.  It happens.  I just don't want it to happen this month or next. 

So, I will redouble my planning efforts.  I cooked some hamburgers tonight and some chicken.  I'm ready for the weekend, and on Saturday I will make my grocery list for the next week. I will get some more vegetables ready as well because I'm almost out of easy to make vegetable sides.  Maybe I'll cook a bunch cabbage to have ready for a few meals.  I will also do a bunch of pre-cooking on Sunday to have some meals ready to go.   

There's my recap.  It's not all bad, but it's not all pretty roses and rainbows either.  Tomorrow is a new day.   

Day 8. What I Ate, The Fox, and David Sedaris!

I had a decent day yesterday with a minor afternoon banana incident. The banana tried to drown itself in cashew butter, and to save it from a horrible ending, I ate it.  Yum. I had already eaten more than enough fruit for the day, but I needed a snack to tide me over for a trip to Tucson to eat dinner and see David Sedaris read at the Fox Theater.

Dinner was at the "My beard is hipper than your beard and I'll raise you a man bun" Cup Cafe in the Hotel Congress.  They wanted to add whipped butter coconut reduction mixed with cheese and desperation to everything.  I read the menu earlier in the day to plan my attack on what to order: new york strip, roasted potatoes, asparagus no sauce or added butter and small spinach salad with no cheese.  It was a good dinner with even better company.

Then we all spent two solid hours laughing and laughing as we listened to David Sedaris read from his works and talk about his life.  I want to do that every single week.  How relaxing and entertaining and restorative to spend such a great evening laughing and being around really amazing people.  I want to be a gajillionaire just to be able to pay the speaking fee to have David Sedaris come and read and talk to me and my friends. If you have a chance to go and see him on this tour (I think it's almost over) you should DEFINITELY GO.

And if you go to the Fox Theater for anything in the future, splurge for the loveseats up in the balcony.  They have extra cushion and more room for those who are blessed to be ample-assed.  If you go with a group, call dibs sharing the loveseat with the skinniest person, and you'll be all set!

Week One Down. Week Two Here We Come

I did some food prep today.  Roasted beets, roasted sweet potatoes, five days worth of bacon, and lunch packed for tomorrow (the last of the taco salad).  I will also be having bunless hamburgers, chicken salad, and sauteed shrimp this week. I have vegetables for each meal lined up.  Here we go. 

I feel good.  The sugar dragon isn't sooooo awful today.  I even cooked dinner and only ate half of it.  We will see what the scale says tomorrow.  (yes, I'm weighing myself.  The Whole30 says not to weigh yourself for the whole month, but I feel like it keeps me accountable, so I am breaking that rule. Don't call the Whole30 police.)

I swam both days this weekend, and I want to swim two days during the week this week.  I still haven't picked my fall race, but I'm thinking maybe the Patagonia Lake Triathlon here in Santa Cruz County.  I won't be doing the bike or run, but I'll do the swim.  If it works out, I'll do the relay, but I've had terrible relay luck.  My teams always seem to fall apart at the last minute. So, I won't stress about a relay.  I'll just focus on swimming faster.  

For the record, I decided when I started this Whole30 that I'm actually doing a Whole60.  Then I'll go to the beach for a week, which will be challenging.  Travel AND having to figure out good food in a large group of family members.  Don't panic because I'm doing a Whole60.  You don't have to read all 60 blog posts. I'm sure you can skip around some, cherry pick the really good ones, and ignore the rest. 

Because Swimsuits!!!

Target has a new kind of ad campaign this year for their swimsuits.  They say the premise is " Living confidently, on one’s own terms."  You can check it out here.  They show normal women in swimsuits without photoshopping out their stretchmarks and thigh pudge and other normal body things.  What a great campaign! 

I always look at marketing campaigns like this, whether it's Target or Dove or any number of others that have popped up over the years, as positive steps forward in dispelling the notion of the perfect body. However, the notion of the perfect, thin, flawless body has been beaten into all of society for generations. It's not something that's going away with a few ad campaigns.  That glamour bullshit drives sales and shapes our own relationships with our bodies.  It's great to see the Target campaign, but ultimately, we all have to fight back against what has been beaten into our heads for years.  We have to love our bodies for what they can do, how they look, how we feel, and more.  That's the needle we can move on this scale of body acceptance. 

I know I've talked recently about some of the ways that my relationship with my body has caused anxiety and depression, but that's only part of the story. I also have moments of feeling strong and confident.  When I'm eating well and exercising, I increase those positive feelings, not because my body all of a sudden becomes perfect, but because eating well and activity make me FEEL better.  It's so counter-intuitive.  I would have thought sitting on the couch eating bon bons in a comfortable moo moo would have increased good feelings, but it turns out that's not the case. 

How do you guys feel about your bodies, and what do you do for self-care and to feel confident and happy?

Whole30 Day 6, A Massage, and a Nap

I have brushed and water-picked my teeth which means I am finished eating for the day.  I've taken to brushing and water-picking my teeth as soon as I finish dinner so I'm not tempted to eat a snack later.  It's too much effort to have to brush my teeth again, so when I'm done, I'm done.  The fear of losing my teeth is greater than my need to snack later in the evening, and my laziness at wanting to redo all the brushing and picking outweighs my snacking too.  I'm using my laziness and anxiety to my advantage, and it's weird that both of those emotions can exist in the same breath. 

Today was a decent food day.  I had breakfast, second breakfast (also known as post-workout meal), lunch, and dinner.  I also went swimming this morning, hence the post-workout meal.  I really enjoyed today's swim, the first one I have enjoyed since starting back.  I reread the section of the book that talks about the post-workout meal, and I kind of screwed it up today.  They recommend a protein and a carby vegetable like sweet potato, and no added fat.  They recommend that in place of protein and a fruit.  I had two hard boiled eggs, a banana, and cashew butter.  Whoops.  Fruit and fat.  I'll know for tomorrow. 

I also had a major treat for myself today in the form of 90 minute massage with the Amazing Eve.  That's not his real name, but I can't help but put the Amazing in front of his name because he really is a great massage therapist.  You can visit Eve's website here, and if you live in Southern Arizona, you should definitely see Eve for a treatment.  Amazing. 

After getting home from Tucson and my massage, I had a nice nap on the couch with Taz.  Hooray for naps!  

I'm planning my food week for this coming week, and one thing I'm going to try is hamburgers with portabello mushroom buns.  I usually just eat the burger with a fork, no bun, but I'm giving this mushroom bun business a shot this week.  I'm also having shrimp and vegetables and a chicken salad for lunch.  Breakfast is usually two eggs, Whole30 compliant bacon, blueberries, and sauteed spinach or zucchini.  I also eat an apple a day.  Who doesn't love an apple? Honeycrisp is my apple of choice. 

That's it for today. Nothing exciting or enlightening, just another day where I'm glad I stuck to the plan. 

Whole30 Day 5. I Don't Wanna Taco Bout It.

Day five is in the books.  This day was interminable, and I was hungry a lot.  Well, maybe I wasn't hungry so much as missing my dear friends muffin and donut.  Sigh.  It's so hard to say goodbye to your friends.

I just finished dinner. It was a surprisingly delicious taco salad.  I used a seasoning recipe that my friend Shelli shared with me from Danielle Walker's Against All Grain cookbook.  It was a good seasoning mix, and I felt very satisfied for the first time since breakfast.  The salad included the ground taco beef, avocado, pico de gallo, lettuce, and chopped olives.  I would eat this again, which is a good thing because I have two more salads worth of taco meat to use.  

The middle part of my day wasn't the most amazing.  I had meetings in Tucson and Phoenix today, which meant I had to pick the lunch place wisely and also pack snacks.  I was with a coworker and one of our consultants all day, and the lunch options were a basic American fare brew pub, PF Chang's, or a Japanese steakhouse.  Since PF Chang's and Japanese food are all soy covered in soy with a side of soy (which I can't eat during this month), I requested the first option, BJ's Brewpub.

Here's the trick about eating out.  People love to put cheese on things.  They also love to mix cheese into things.  And once they've put tons of cheese on and in things, they like top it with some kind of bread product.

I took me a long time to figure out what to order that had the least modifications and the least likely chance of it being screwed up.  "Hamburger, no cheese, no bun. Did I mention no cheese? Great.  Beet, arugula salad, no goat cheese.  No french fries." Lunch was fine, and I am going to guess that the vinaigrette wasn't totally Whole30 kosher. I'm just impressed I didn't also order the cookie, ice cream sundae.

My main snack was a baggie of pumpkin seeds which helped take the edge off until my coworker decided that on the way back from Phoenix we would stop at Culver's for a bathroom break and an ice cream treat for him.  He hesitated for a moment, but I told him I would be fine with it.  I can do this!!! I can do this?  For those of you that don't know what Culver's is, it is a fast-food chain of crack houses, and the drugs they peddle are homemade custard desserts and burgers cooked in butter.  I got a bottle of water.  He ordered a chocolate, vanilla turtle sundae with pecans, chocolate sauce, and caramel sauce.  It smelled like heaven with a cherry on top.  Literally.  There was a plastic cup of heaven and a cherry rested right on the top.  Right then and there I decided I was eating my emergency snack when we got back in the car, a date and cashew bar.  Somehow it just wasn't the same.

He dropped me back at my car in Tucson, and I went to Sprouts for some quick grocery shopping on my way home.  They sell bulk candies and chocolates at Sprouts.  They have baked goods.  They have bread. I was so painfully tempted, so I ate a banana on my way home.

I found a reserve of motivation tonight to stay strong and resist the sugar dragon.  After I fed Taz and the cats and made my taco meat and put together a salad for dinner, I went to change into some comfortable pants.  "Yes. Finally! It's Friday, my day is over, my dinner is almost ready, and I'm fixing to relax."

It's starting to get pretty hot here now, so I just recently got out my capris and shorts from storage.  I grabbed a pair of capris to put on ,and they were a little tighter than last summer.  Let me be clear.  Last summer they were a tad baggy, and now my comfortable, fat girl, baggy capri pants were a little snug.  Snug as in not baggy as in "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Proof that I gained weight this winter!" Like I needed more proof of that.

Being plump/fat/fluffy/chubby/chunky is a constant struggle of fitting into things and into places and spaces.  It's a constant awareness of things being big enough for you or you being too big for them and a fear that you won't fit because you've exceeded the norms of whatever size is deemed acceptable. Not fitting is less common for me than the pervasive fear of not fitting, but the fear of not fitting exists all the time in hundreds of situations. The fear is like a constant hum in the background waiting to rear its ugly head when you are confronted with some situation.   

I went on a work tour recently with 15 or more people that I was overseeing, and the place we were touring gave out these paper coveralls that everyone had to wear.  "Oh, you give out coveralls now? You didn't do that when I was here last year" (or I would never have some back because WHAT IF I DON"T FIT!!!!!???????)  Thank goodness I fit into the big boy size.  Imagine being with a group and not fitting.  There's no hiding from that.

Airplane seats and seat belts.  I have a nightmare about not fitting into the seat belt.  I was on a plane once, and it was close.  I had to squeeze a bit.  I almost had to ask for the extender, and something in my mind would break if I had to ask for the extender.  There is nothing wrong with needing the extender, but there's some line in my mind that I don't want to cross over.  I have a dear friend who told me about one flight she had to ask for one, and she cried.  I understood why, even though I think she's beautiful and shouldn't give a shit about needing an extender.  I exist in such a double standard.  Things are acceptable and fine for friends, but I condemn myself for the same thing. 

Roller-coasters.  I haven't been to a theme park in years.  I just haven't had the opportunity or desire, but I've read horror stories of people being too fat to fit in a ride.  The thought of going makes me nervous, dreading a possibility that I wouldn't fit. I remember being younger (and significantly smaller than I am now), and I still got nervous on a ride when the operator went to lock in the safety bar.  Would it close, or was I too heavy?

High school tennis team.  I loved playing tennis.  I still do, but I also hated dealing with uniforms for our matches. I remember being so nervous when it came time to give our sizes to get uniforms. Would the largest sizes they offered be big enough for me?  When the school ordered uniforms, would they have sweats and tennis skirts that would fit me? Thankfully we found some decent skirts, but the standard issue missy sweats weren't going to cut it.

Dance recitals.  I was in a dance class from elementary school into middle school.  Each year, at the end of the class, we had a dance recital.  The teacher would measure us and order us these fancy costumes for our recital, and I was always worried my costume wouldn't fit or that I would have a different costume because he had to order a bigger kid one instead of a regular one.  I hated being measured and the look on his face as he wrote down my measurements.  I thought, "Oh no!!! Now he knows I'm chubby!" Because before he measured me he clearly couldn't see I was fat?  Really?  Do you know how terrible it is to stick out at that age?  From the beginning of dance classes until the very end of the year, I worried about the moment when we would have to order those stupid costumes.  I wasted all kinds of time dreading that instead of just enjoying class. 

There have also been activities I've done on vacations in past years or that I've wanted to do, like hang gliding or zip lining, and there are weight limits on these activities.  For whatever crazy reason, I've always been kind of close to the weight limit of different activities like this when I've signed up for them over the years.  Then I spend the weeks and days before said activity being insanely crazed about what I eat and my weight because I don't want to show up and be turned away because I'm chubbier than their chub-quotient.  I don't enjoy any time up until then because I'm worried about fitting.   

How exhausting to have this stupid, pointless anxiety.  I don't even begin to touch on clothes and clothes shopping. That's a story for another blog.  On that note, I'm going to change out of my "comfortable" capris and into my stretchy pj's. Have a great night everyone. Tomorrow I'm getting a 90 minute massage!  

Whole30 Day 3 and 4. More Things Wrapped in Lettuce and Fajitas on Top of Fajitas

Sorry I missed day 3. Things were busy, and by the time I finished dinner and clean-up, I was exhausted.  I know its' hard to get through the day without hearing that I ate chicken again.  sigh... I'll try to be better. It turns out that avoiding all the foods you love and miss is an exhausting full-time job, and I already work, so it's like I have two jobs at the same time now!

Food choices were ok for both days.  I think I ate too much yesterday, and by "think" I mean I ate way too much yesterday.  We had fajitas at a work meeting, and I might have had two helpings for lunch and a fajita mid-afternoon snack.  I also had a bunch of pumpkin seeds and a date bar and more pumpkin seeds.  All the foods were compliant with the Whole30. There were just too many foods. 

Today I had the last helping of my favorite half-runner green beans and some baked chicken for lunch.  Between lunch and dinner, I had a 5:00 pm meeting about some road projects. I ate a snack before I went, but it wasn't enough to stop the "Time for Dinner" train.  My body was hungry! My mind was hungry!  My soul was hungry!  And to top it off, those bastards had a huge variety of delicious-smelling cookies for meeting attendees. How did they know I had been craving sweet, bready yum yums all afternoon? I really wanted a donut or a cinnamon role or a cookie or all of the above, and then I get to this meeting to find the cookies taunting me.  "What if I have just one? I'm so hungry.  Just one cookie."  It was hard to talk myself down.  I was talking to a friend after the meeting, and I caught myself staring at his mouth as he ate a cookie with m&m's in it.  He's lucky I didn't snatch the cookie out of his hand. 

Hungry, tired, and turning into a serious Grumplestiltskin, I headed home and managed to not detour to Panda Express for something easy and full of soy sauce, which is a huge no no.  I made my own fajitas tonight and ate them in a lettuce wrap.  I'm getting into the lettuce wrap zone.  It satisfies the need for something like a burrito.  After gorging on fajitas yesterday and making more today, I think I've satisfied the fajita desire for a few weeks. 

I did learn one interesting thing yesterday.  For dinner (yes, I still ate dinner even though I had 400 helpings of fajitas at work) I sauteed some spinach with chicken. On the spinach I used coconut aminos instead of soy sauce.  It turns out I don't like coconut aminos.  Gross.  It was like eating soy sauce's crack head cousin.  Lesson learned.  Avoid the crack head cousin.

Now I have one of those annoying eyelid twitches happening. I think it's my body's way of telling me I need to bake a cake.  After I bake the cake, I need to eat the whole cake.  That's my "Eat a Huge Cake" eye twitch.  What's that you say? My eye is twitching because I'm tired and stressed? Oh.  So I'm not supposed to bake and eat an entire cake?  Are you sure?  It would be a carrot cake with walnuts.  Still no cake? Really? Crap.  I guess I should just brush my teeth and go to bed, but that doesn't mean I don't still want a cake and some donuts with a side of cookies.    

Tomorrow I have an early meeting in Tucson and a mid-day meeting in Phoenix that includes a scheduled lunch in between the two.  I suggested the place that wasn't PF Changs or the japanese steak house because everything in those places is soy covered soy.  I have snacks packed in my bag, and my goal is to order a salad or a burger with no bun and a salad on the side.  Wish me luck. 

Whole30 Day 2. Invasion of the Swimsuits

Today was a fairly decent Whole30 day.  We had a big work meeting with a catered lunch.  I had delicious steak, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, guacamole, and salsa.  I knew what we were having and could plan accordingly.  For dinner I had more of the tuna salad and lettuce wraps.  I'm definitely keeping that in the rotation.  So, all in all, the world was graced with a successful day in the eating department.

Today I also received a shipment of new swimsuits. A couple of my old suits died, so I was excited for the excuse to splurge on some new ones.  It's a fact that I love a swimsuit.  After new socks, swimsuits are my favorite purchase. They are comfortable, they remind me of vacation and, most importantly, they remind me of swimming.  I tried them on with Taz as my audience.  He's great because he's not very judgmental.  He's a dog, so he's just concerned about when I'm going to feed him and rub his ears.  He doesn't care that my gut sticks out in the bathing suit.  He thinks it's stupid that I try them on at all.  He's more of a "go for it" kind of guy.

I put the first suit on, and I loved the color.  I felt fun and swimmy and ready to hit the beach or the pool or the lake or anything else I could hit with some water and some swimming.  Then I looked in the mirror, and my external vision crushed the mental image I had of myself. It's like a huge boulder bounded down my mental mountain and flattened entire villages of joy, happiness, and confidence. 

I hate when that happens.  I will be walking along, having a perfectly great day.  In my head I'm looking cool, I'm feeling great, nothing can stop me as I breeze along like Mary Tyler Moore conquering the big city. "Girl, I look SO adorable.  I have reached the nirvana of external representation of my internal coolness.  I can't be stopped."

Then, at some point during the day, I'll catch my reflection in a mirror or a window, and that vision I had in my head will die a swift, agonizing death.  Gone is the cute, carefree, put-together look. Gone is the confident, happy-go-lucky Allison.  She has been replaced by the sad, frumpy, blah, loser Allison. Loser Allison is a real drag.  "Seriously? How have all my a-hole friends been letting me walk around like this ALL day? Sheesh. And my hair? Is that really how my hair looks? And where did the fat arm come from? Freaking fat arm! NOOOOO! Why did I even try when there's frump and bad hair and the fat arm?" 

After my initial swimsuit disappointment, I forged ahead and tried on the next suit while mentally adjusting my expectations when I looked in the mirror.  Does it cover the ta-tas? Great.  Does it make my butt look big?  Hahahahaha. Kidding. Of COURSE it makes my butt look big. Does it at least look somewhat presentable for public viewing? Yes. Do I like the color? Great color. OK.  I'll live with it. 

I'm lucky that I love swimming.  Well, I love bobbing around in the water and doing handstands and floating around.  Being in and near the water is one of my favorite things.  That's probably partially because fat floats so well.  I'm like a talking buoy.  You could drop me in the ocean, and I could help guide ships to harbor. 

My love of swimming and water far outweigh my aversion to being seen in public in a bathing suit.  For someone so chunky, I sure do wear a swimsuit a lot. Sure, I have moments like I described above, but I try to push ahead.  I have lots of moments where I also feel cute and fun and happy in a bathing suit because that means I am near water. So it's not all Loser Allison.  Sometimes it's Happy Fun Swim Time Allison. 

I've read that swimming is great exercise for all fitness levels.  The heavier you are (to a point) the easier swimming is because you are buoyant.  The more fit you become, the harder swimming gets because muscle doesn't float like fat.  It's brilliant.  The difficulty level increases to match your level of fitness.  How cool is that?  I started swimming laps a couple of years ago to push myself to do something besides bobbing around and practicing the perfect handstand, and I found that I liked swimming laps, too. I was good at it.  It was an exercise I could be decent at even though I wasn't the skinniest or most fit person on the planet. An added bonus is you don't sweat while swimming. That's important when you live in a desert. I also like the hot tub I reward myself with after swimming laps.  It makes me feel like those Olympic divers that immediately climb out of the pool and into the hot tub to wait on their scores.  I'm part of the athletic elite! 

Part of my May challenge is to get back into swimming at least three times a week and pushing myself to get in race shape for a swim in the fall. The weirdest thing when I did the Whole30 before was that after about 1 week, I noticed that my speed and endurance increased significantly. It was like a light switch turned on, and VOILA! I was a swimming machine.  I'm looking forward to that change again.  Look out world.  It's swimsuit season. 



 

Whole Lotta Whole30

I have been battling with the scale for the last several months. Well, that's not exactly true.  I've been battling with the scale since September 28, 1975, also known as the day I was born. I'm only slightly exaggerating.  I remember being a little, little kid (in age, not size evidently) and my brothers teasing me that I had a double chin.  "What's a double chin? Oh, it's my chin?"  Devastation. It was my first memory of ever being aware that I was chubby.  Was I 6? Maybe 7?  Whatever age I was, it was the point in life where I started thinking I was different.

Getting back to the point, it seems that I've been struggling even more lately.  I have lost the same 5 pound at least 10 times. Hooray! I've lost 50 pounds! Oh wait...I still weigh the same.  BUMMER.  I also have a gut.  You heard me.  I have a G.U.T.  Who the heck has a gut besides old men who still insist on wearing size 32 pants when clearly that tool shed needs a size 40+?  A few years ago, I was at my lowest weight as an adult.  I was wearing a size 16 jean, and I was feeling pretty darn good.  Needless to say, I'm not wearing a size 16 anymore.  That ship sailed, and my pants are big enough to catch the wind and propel us into the horizon.  Sonofabitch. 

My best friend from high school and perhaps the one person who understands the struggle with weight loss and the fattyboombalatte syndrome has been doing really great in the weight loss department lately.  We were talking the other week, and we talked about our current weights.  Hers was significantly lower than her all-time highest (and significantly lower than mine), which made me super happy for her.  When I mentioned my latest weigh in, she was nice enough to say, "Well, you are a few inches taller than me..."  Sigh. 

Here's the messed up thing, though.  At the same time that I was happy for her, it also made me feel really crummy.  We have always been around the same size, or at least in the same neighborhood.  Sometimes I weighed less, sometimes she did, but even in this leapfrog dance we did, we were always close.  Now I felt like I was being left behind.  I secretly wanted to sneak into her house and replace all her food with Dingdongs and Ho Ho's and all the other Dirty Debbies I could find so she could stay fat like me.  "Get back here you skinny hussie! If I weren't so fat, I would chase you down and drag you back to Fat Village with me, and we will be fattyboombalattes together."  See.  I told you it was messed up.  I'm not proud.  Sorry, buddy.  I would never really stock your house with snack cakes and bricks of lard.  I promise. 

We used to do this really crazy thing where we would see a fat person on television or in real life, and one of us would say, "Am I as fat as her?" 

"No! No way! You're way skinnier than that person. Don't even think you're in the same neighborhood as that person." 

"Phew..Thank goodness." 

Comparing yourself to someone else to see how you measure up doesn't really do much, realistically.  It's all about how chubby you feel in your mind, and in my mind, I feel like the chubbiest person you know. Secretly wanting to keep your friends fat so you aren't fat alone also doesn't help.  So, I'm starting the Whole30 again today.  I feel better when I follow the Whole30.  I'm more active. My mood is better.  I plan my meals and stick to the plan better than when I'm doing the "Whatever, I'll figure out something to eat today" plan.  When I do the "Whatever" plan, I usually end up eating a really healthy breakfast and then 5 million donuts throughout the day and some sauteed kale for dinner.  And I wonder why I lose the same 5 pounds over and over again.....

So, today is Day 1 of the Whole30. For dinner I had tuna salad lettuce wraps, some sauteed cauliflower, and a couple of olives.  I am also cooking a whole chicken to have a protein for meals for a few days this week.  Here we go.  And if you wake up to find a thousand snack cakes stashed around your kitchen, I swear it wasn't me trying to sabotage your diet and make you fat too.