While some things do not survive here, like trees that I manage to kill, other things thrive, like wild animals. The latest addition to my house: a hive of bees. Buzz buzz.
I noticed a a handful of bees flying around outside a few days ago, but they went away. I figured they found my porch a bad location for their condo community. Then I found 50 dead bees in my bathroom yesterday, and a few more in the bedroom today. OH MY GOD! The BEES are IN the HOUSE!!! Once I found the massive die off, I knew it was time to call a professional, as in I am not buying some cans of raid and hunting down this hive myself. No way, no how, hell no, etc..., etc..., etc...
Sound the trumpets, roll out the red carpet, greet the king of extermination as he arrives on his trusty steed to slay the dragon...or the bees. I gave him a quick reenactment of the past few days, including the screams and fake fainting as I demonstrated where I found the dead bees. He checked all around and found a few places he will seal up for future bee prevention, but we didn't find any sign of a hive in the walls.
We did a quick check around part of the outside and discovered a bat (yikes!), a few places where we will do rodent abatement, and not much else. Honestly, the bat became my main concern given that bats are terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they eat insects. Great. Unless they are going to take out thousands of bees like they are chowing down at the great insect buffet, I'm not interested in having a bat, even if he is only here for a little while before he moves to warmer weather.
Sir Exterminator, the knight of insect destruction, sprayed along the doors and baseboards inside so I could get rid of some of the more benign critters like centipedes, scorpions, and spiders (yes, I did just call all of those horrible things benign...compared to a hive of africanized bees that have dreams at night of killing all happiness in the world, then scorpions become cute, cuddly family pets). We arranged for him to come back tomorrow when he has more time so he could spray and seal up spots outside. Great...napalm the insects. I'm good with that. While you are at it, pack up that bat and take it home with you, dude.
No sooner had he left the house than I noticed some bees strangely flying outside of a window in my bathroom. They weren't there 10 minutes before when the exterminator was here. Sneaky bees. I leaned closer to the glass and looked to the left to find a HUGE HIVE OF BEES LIVING ON MY FREAKING HOUSE ! (cue blood curdling scream).
I called him back and warned him about the hive. What an unlucky surprise that would have been for him walking around outside.... "la la la. I'm walking around outside. la la la AAAAAAAA. I'm covered in bees!" He said he would attack the problem tomorrow. I hope the problem doesn't attack back.
In the meantime, I've been warned that by the morning, my house should look something like an insect slaughterhouse. It seems that all those benign things like scorpions and centipedes will come out tonight, walk across the spray areas, and die. Great. It will only remind me that horrible things creep and crawl around my house while I sleep. WHILE I SLEEP!!!! Do you understand the creep out ramifications of that? I could die.
Even though it has only been a few hours, I have found two spiders...one huge unknown spider and one tarantula. Of course they were both on the counter tops. They must have sensed the spray and moved to higher ground. Only at my house would the spiders outsmart the insect spray. You know what else is located higher than the insect spray along the baseboards? My bed. That's what.
I am itchy and feel like I'm covered in bees and tarantulas and scorpions and bats. What a crazy day.
